Thoughts

Family can be complicated. Family can be wonderful. And family can be confusing. On one hand, it is wonderful that my family "misses" me so much that all they can think about or concentrate on when they talk to me is that fact that they want me to live in Cleveland. But on the other hand, all of that wanting makes me wonder how much is really missing and loving and how much is controlling and wishing that I would do things their way? No one in my family has made a real effort to become part of or be really interested in my life here. It is almost like they are in such denial that I live in another city, that nothing here is real to them and so it holds no validity or sense of life or time passage.

And yet, even though Scott has brothers and other extended family that live here and around Portland, I never get that same vibe from his mom or dad. They love each other and have a wonderful connection but the desperate claws don't come out or even ever show. Is it truly possible that they don't miss him terribly?

No, I don't believe that. Having become a parent myself I now torture myself with thoughts of Maya growing up and leaving me, maybe even for a different country or planet (who knows what we will be doing 50 years when I finally let her out of the house) and the idea makes me catch my breath. Sometimes I think about the old idea that what you did to your parents your children will do to you, only worse, so I guess my kids are moving far away...... but they don't know that Scott and I have agreed to follow them. Insert wicked laughter.....

Maybe it is because both of Scott's parents left their families to make their life together and so feel more comfortable allowing their son's the freedom to explore that.

I think what really wears on me is the thought that because I am not there, I am less of a daughter or sister. And maybe I am. I mean, I am not there every day. I can't do everything that they all do, I am not at every family function and don't stop in to say hi or have lunch or meet up somewhere for tea. And that is hard for me. For as much as I love my life here, I do miss them terribly. For how awful they make me feel and how guilt ridden and small I have become in all of this, I do miss my mom, my dad and my sisters. I feel like I have support here, but I also feel very lonely and isolated at times. Who knows if I would feel like this there too? I don't know.

Parts of me harbor so much hurt and resentment to all of them, that I don't know what to do with it, where to put it, or how to really, honestly let it go. How do you get past 13 years of small hurts and slights and comments and being made to feel like YOU are the one in the wrong and the bad guy?

One thing that I have learned in all of this (I don't think I needed this big of a lesson, but maybe I did) is that I will never put my children through what my parents and sisters have put me through. It is not fair.

That may sound dramatic, but I feel it is the only statement that encompasses how I feel about it. No one should be made to feel like a bad daughter or sister or that they don't love enough, care enough or don't try hard enough just because they have chosen to be physically somewhere else. And you know, life happens, things change, plans don't always pan out the way you think that they are going to. And people need to follow their individual dreams, not the dreams of their family members.

So, kiddies, listen up. No matter how hard it will be for me (and I am sure that it will be hard) go where you want to go, learn what you need to learn, and love who you are meant to love.

And lastly, collectively decide to move somewhere warm so daddy and I can retire there.

I have done a lot of soul searching and cried many tears over this, and I am sure that this will not be the last time I think about it or maybe even write about it, but I do know that I can be happy wherever my heart is. And right now, my heart holds Scott, Maya, little Opihi, and of course Kala and Tank.

2010

What a year it has already been. At Christmas we drove down to Long Beach to spend Christmas there. We hadn't been for Christmas in a long time and it was great. Both Scott and I were not sure how the ride would go for Maya (as we had obviously never driven that far with her before) but she did AWESOME! We left at about 2:00pm, drove for a while, stopped for dinner, changed her into night-time clothes and drove all night. She pretty much slept the entire way. It was incredible! We got over most of the passes without any difficulty, hitting snow on the "GrapeVine" just outside of LA and barely making it through before they shut it down. Lucky. We got there in about 17 hours. On the way back we stopped somewhere overnight and it took a lot longer but we just didn't have the same sense of urgency to get back as we had to get down there.

Maya is constantly amazing me. She is making such cognitive leaps all the time and does it with her own sense of style. She is loving dance and games right now and is starting to get kind of tricky. She has her dad's sense of humor that's for sure. Today, when she was at the park with Scott, he told me that she was yelling up the trees at the squirrels asking them where they had hidden their nuts. A few weeks ago, while we were playing Candyland and she wanted to do something that was not in the rules she says; " where are the directions?" Proceeds to get the directions, opens them up and reads out new directions that say that "if you want to go across Rainbow Bridge, just go ahead. Just go ahead and go across Rainbow Bridge."

I am 7 1/2 weeks pregnant (finally!) but this long journey is not over yet. I have a subchorionic hemorrhage that could either resolve, not resolve, or result in a miscarriage. I have been taking it really easy, which is no small feat and hoping for the best. I am trying to remain positive and to be thankful for the morning sickness and tender feelings. Whenever this second baby gets here: YOU WERE WANTED! We have worked very hard to get you!

We leave for Hawaii in a few days and are all really looking forward to the vacation. We have not been in so long and Maya has never been. She is pretty excited.

Good Night God

Good Night God

By Holly Bea

and

Kim Howard

Good night God,

The day is done.

Good night birds

and good night sun.

Good night to the sky above,

and good night to the squirrels I love.

Good night God, the moon is here,

good night trees and good night deer.

Good night garden,

good night house,

And good night to the little mouse who lives beneath the bottom stair,

Good night kitties everywhere.

Good night God,

Its time for bed.

My daddy calls me sleepy-head.

Mommy loves to hug me tight,

and listens while I say good-night.

So good night God,

sweet dreams to you,

tomorrow there's so much to do.

But now its time to sleep and dream,

of rocket ships and fairy queens.

So thank you God for all you do,

and don't forget, that I love you!

Everyday is such a blessing

I graduated on September 3rd. Maya was so cute about it. She kept saying: "when Mama is all pow with school, Daddy will be all pow with work!" Hmmm, wish that were the case!

I then spent a month and a half completing my national boards and finally finished the last one on November 11th. It has been such a relief to have that completed and to now just have to wait for my license.

I have been spending my time with Maya and trying to get things done around the house. The things around the house part has been slow going. But the part of spending time with Maya has been great. I really just feel grateful that I can take a little breather and rest a little and not have to completely stress out about paying our bills. We are blessed that things are going well with the company and that I can take this time. I feel like I have been on constant overdrive for years now and need to step back a little and do some inward, slow stuff.

Hula, Hula, Hula

I think we have a hula dancer on our hands.... at least for the time being. Nana bought her, Pace and Malia a "How to do the Hula" DVD and all she wants to do is do the hula. She walks around singing Pearly Shells and Haukilao Song and had a whole routine that she did in the shower. She would gather all her toys in her arms, sing the Haukilao Song, and run around the shower spray, then run through the shower spray, ending by throwing all the toys on the floor and dropping to the floor in a ball or in some other ending position. It was hilarious. She hasn't done it in several days.

I found some hula lessons in the area. We are going to go and watch them this Friday. She is a little young for the class but we are hoping they will let her in anyways. I know I sound like any other proud parent when I say this, but she really does have an incredible attention span for her age. She does!!!!

Who knew getting pregnant was going to be so hard this time around. We just had an early miscarriage (about 5 weeks in) and I have just started charting my temps again. We will see. I definitely don't want to go through the miscarriage thing again, so we are not trying this month. It is funny, after so many months of hoping that this is the month, it is really weird to NOT try this month, and to really hope that I don't get pregnant this month.

We are there....

Wow, we have hit a new era. The tantrums are starting. I am hopeful that we can ride it out none the worse for wear but I am not sure. Some days I start out okay, and then I can't break the momentum of the crying and WHINING and she ends up throwing herself around the room and crying like her heart is breaking. I know that she is trying to process all of her emotions, but I really wish I could help her deal with it more effectively. I also don't want to tell her to stop crying (because I hated it when my mom would say that to me... like I was doing it on purpose) but sometimes the words tumble out of my mouth and I just want to shove them back in. I usually try to talk for a few minutes but that is working less and less lately and then I just tell her to cry all she wants (especially when we are home) and I will be here when she is done. Sometimes I am effective, lately not so much. It is exhausting!!

On the other hand, Maya is so sweet most of the time. She is really coming into her own self and is a fun and tender spirit. Whenever I cry (which is often these days) she will say: "You sad Mama?" and wipe my tears away. She checks on me and loves on the dogs. The other day I was upstairs vacuuming and usually if I am not within eyesight of her, every few minutes I will turn off the vacuum and ask her if she is okay. The rule is that she must answer me or she has to be around me. So, all of a sudden, I hear her coming up the stairs yelling "Mama! Mama! You okay? You okay Mama?" Apparently I had gone longer than usual and she decided to check up on me. So great.

"The Pig That Climbed The Tree"

We have been telling Maya stories lately. I am not sure what triggered her interest in it, but one day she asked for a story, and off we went.

Normally, if I ask her what she wants the story to be about, she tells me that she wants me to tell her (meaning I decide). But today was different. We were in the bathroom at Kinko's (because she loves to go potty everywhere!) and asked for a story while she went potty. I told her no because we needed to get going and she proceeded to tell me a story about a pig and a cow and a rooster that climbed on top of the car. The story went that they all climbed on top of the car and then was followed by her telling me what their conversations were. It was hilarious.

Tonight, after I told her a story at bedtime, she decided to tell me one. Here goes:

Maya: "One time, (once upon a time) there was a pig who climbed a tree. He climbed the tree

and saw a GORILLA! And then he saw a cow and a rooster. Then he saw a frog!

Me: "What did he say to the frog?"

Maya: "He said, want to come to my house?!"

Me: "What did the frog say?"

Maya: "Yes, I DO!" And then the cow saw a monkey.

Priceless. I can't wait for the next one.