Thoughts

Family can be complicated. Family can be wonderful. And family can be confusing. On one hand, it is wonderful that my family "misses" me so much that all they can think about or concentrate on when they talk to me is that fact that they want me to live in Cleveland. But on the other hand, all of that wanting makes me wonder how much is really missing and loving and how much is controlling and wishing that I would do things their way? No one in my family has made a real effort to become part of or be really interested in my life here. It is almost like they are in such denial that I live in another city, that nothing here is real to them and so it holds no validity or sense of life or time passage.

And yet, even though Scott has brothers and other extended family that live here and around Portland, I never get that same vibe from his mom or dad. They love each other and have a wonderful connection but the desperate claws don't come out or even ever show. Is it truly possible that they don't miss him terribly?

No, I don't believe that. Having become a parent myself I now torture myself with thoughts of Maya growing up and leaving me, maybe even for a different country or planet (who knows what we will be doing 50 years when I finally let her out of the house) and the idea makes me catch my breath. Sometimes I think about the old idea that what you did to your parents your children will do to you, only worse, so I guess my kids are moving far away...... but they don't know that Scott and I have agreed to follow them. Insert wicked laughter.....

Maybe it is because both of Scott's parents left their families to make their life together and so feel more comfortable allowing their son's the freedom to explore that.

I think what really wears on me is the thought that because I am not there, I am less of a daughter or sister. And maybe I am. I mean, I am not there every day. I can't do everything that they all do, I am not at every family function and don't stop in to say hi or have lunch or meet up somewhere for tea. And that is hard for me. For as much as I love my life here, I do miss them terribly. For how awful they make me feel and how guilt ridden and small I have become in all of this, I do miss my mom, my dad and my sisters. I feel like I have support here, but I also feel very lonely and isolated at times. Who knows if I would feel like this there too? I don't know.

Parts of me harbor so much hurt and resentment to all of them, that I don't know what to do with it, where to put it, or how to really, honestly let it go. How do you get past 13 years of small hurts and slights and comments and being made to feel like YOU are the one in the wrong and the bad guy?

One thing that I have learned in all of this (I don't think I needed this big of a lesson, but maybe I did) is that I will never put my children through what my parents and sisters have put me through. It is not fair.

That may sound dramatic, but I feel it is the only statement that encompasses how I feel about it. No one should be made to feel like a bad daughter or sister or that they don't love enough, care enough or don't try hard enough just because they have chosen to be physically somewhere else. And you know, life happens, things change, plans don't always pan out the way you think that they are going to. And people need to follow their individual dreams, not the dreams of their family members.

So, kiddies, listen up. No matter how hard it will be for me (and I am sure that it will be hard) go where you want to go, learn what you need to learn, and love who you are meant to love.

And lastly, collectively decide to move somewhere warm so daddy and I can retire there.

I have done a lot of soul searching and cried many tears over this, and I am sure that this will not be the last time I think about it or maybe even write about it, but I do know that I can be happy wherever my heart is. And right now, my heart holds Scott, Maya, little Opihi, and of course Kala and Tank.