Rough Day All Around

Since today has been such a rough day, no nap from Ben (not that out of character), major meltdown from Maya (very out of character) I am going to do what I have been meaning to do for a while.  They are so wonderful, delightful and full of life and love, that I want to write the fully, lovely stuff down that they do and are doing.

Ben:  Really into trains and trucks and tractors.  Always on the look out for "tractor mowers", gets up really close in my face and kisses me and cuddles all over me, when he is nursing he wants to switch sides often and will say "mama, turn arrounnddd", he is so determined and when tired he is completely unreasonable.


Maya: She is the best, bossiest big sister.  She loves him to pieces and really takes care of him.  She is loving to teach him stuff, like how to crawl forward down the stairs like a snake (which he really can't do :) ) and the other day she had him counted up to twelve (repeating after her - which, when I told Scott about it, he made a comment that at least someone was teaching him..... ummm... Benjamin, I am teaching you stuff every day.  We sit down and work on something every day.  Don't worry, your education is not left just in Maya's hands.) She loves going to school, her teacher Ms. Patti, kids in her class and constantly surprises me with her maturity and loving kind nature. She loves to be silly and creative.

Here we are.
Maya has started kindergarten.  She loves it.  I was depressed for about 2 weeks.  I am still hoping that someday she will want to homeschool so I can be apart of all the cool stuff that is out there to do..... way more fun and educational than normal 9-5 school, but she is really having fun and is loving the social aspect of it all.  That is really good for her because she has been wanting to explore this and make some girl friends.
Ben is a real kick in the pants.  He is constantly asking why.  Why? Why? Why? and Why?  It is funny. He makes cho-cho lips and it is so cute.  Maya runs after him saying "cha-cha lips get tickled!"  They both scream with laugher.  I love hearing them play and talk and do things together.  Sometimes Ben doesn't want to share, or he wants to do it different than Maya, and she can't process how to handle this or wants it to be her way and there is screaming and fighting but it is short lived and I am hopeful that I am teaching them how to work with each other and like each other in the process.
We are FINALLY getting the baseboard trim and top pieces on.  We are having someone do it for us.  We just can't get it together. So, I stained everything and we are having a great woman put it in.  She is doing a great job.  Scott and I just keep on saying how great it looks.  We also painted the main level.  It was very bittersweet for me.  I know that the paint needed a refresher and was ready (sort of) for a change, but covering up all of our beautiful colors was so sad for me.  I cried.  So did Maya.  I love that girl.
We were in Cleveland for most of August.  We are going to Pendleton this weekend, probably a weekend in November, and Scott will likely go to LA in December.  I think we will go back to Cleveland in January and then to Hawaii in early April.  Most days I am good with the fact that our lives are on each coast.  We have lots of great family.

Benjamin Oliver

Maya called it.

On the 24th of October, she said to me; "Mama, the baby is going to come tomorrow!" I said in reply; "I certainly hope not! We have a lot to do before this baby comes!" Ben was born the next day.

The weekend prior to his arrival, Scott and I decided that we needed to put mulch out in the front to get us through the winter and try and stamp out all of our weeds. So, I weeded, he hauled and we both spread. There were several other projects that we were planning on getting done and I started to get the pillars ready to paint downstairs. The house was a total disaster. There was a ton of laundry to be done.

At about 10:30 pm I started to feel like, yes, maybe I would have this baby tomorrow. Scott, ever supportive, said;"You can't have this baby today or tomorrow.... I'm tired. " Great.

At about 2:30 am contractions started. Nothing serious or consistent, but definitely the start of something real. 5:30 am my water broke but nothing else changed. I called the midwives at about 7:30 or 8:00 in the morning and they said to call in at noon if nothing changed, otherwise, if things started to move along, I should come in. I called around to cancel appointments that I had set up and change plans for the day since I thought that I would be in labor all day.

Blythe called at around 9:00 and I asked her to come over and give me some acupuncture to help make the contractions more productive. My contractions actually stopped when I was getting the treatment. She put some press tacks in at LI 4 and SP 6. I continued to fold clothes and try to tidy up. Scott had gone to see a house, took Maya to swimming and then ran to the store for some food stuff to have during labor.

Blythe left and I was alone for about 20 minutes. I called the midwives to check in with them. Caroline, the midwife that I talked to, said that since nothing had changed to come in at 8:00pm at the latest and sooner if things got more intense. I said okay, got off the phone and called my mom. I gave her the update and had her call around and let people know what was going on. Scott called his mom and told her that the baby was coming today. Maya was wanting me to play with her and though my contractions hadn't gotten any closer together they were a little bit more intense. So I asked Scott to take her over to Mark and Sarah's because I couldn't give her the attention that she needed. The contractions were doing something weird by having a little partial contraction followed almost immediately by a bigger more intense one. Then there would be a break.

I decided to get into the shower because it was so soothing when I was in labor with Maya. That was my first mistake. I got in and couldn't get out. Literally. The contractions were so intense the only way that I could get through them was by doing my modified version of Six Sounds Therapy, a Qigong form that I barely ever did. I guess I will have to brush up on it for next baby.

Scott came home and came down to the bathroom to check on me and I told him to get stuff together to go to the hospital and to call the midwife. He called the midwife and she said to get to the hospital, pronto. Then he tried to get me out of the shower. I couldn't move. If I moved I would trigger a contraction, and the contraction was so strong that I couldn't move. Panic set in as I realized that I was not going to get into the car. Then I felt the baby's head. Shit. Scott called 911 and I continued to push because there was nothing else I could do. I was past my moment of panic and had moved on to having the baby. The 911 operator kept telling Scott to get me on the floor so we didn't drop the baby, Scott was like, "I am not going to drop the baby! What do I do????" I was already on my hands and knees so it didn't really matter but I tried to oblige and as I was turning around, out came little Ben! Scott caught him and Ben cried. Boy, was he mad! Not quite the entrance I think he had been planning. But he sure made an impression!

The paramedics got there about 5 minutes later, cut the cord and wrapped us up. I was in complete shock. I remember the paramedic talking to me and I couldn't really focus on what she was saying, then they put us on a stretcher and took us to the hospital for observation. It was the craziest, most amazing, wonderful, mind blowing thing. We were so lucky, but I also think trusting in ourselves helped us to handle this very intense experience. He was and is perfect in every way.

I feel very blessed to have a beautiful baby boy, an amazing, adaptable little girl and my rock and best friend of a husband to travel this journey with. Every day is a blessing and I am thankful each day for how rich my life is.

So, welcome Ben. You are almost a year now and it has flown by. It has been a year full of ups and downs with lots of adjustments along the way. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that your personality is showing me gentleness, determination, giggles and silliness, inquisitiveness and smarts. On one hand I can wait to see what you will become, but on the other hand, I want to freeze time, because it is so precious. You are my gentle boy with a shining spirit and I love you.

Maya....

After a particularly long day (for me), full of not listening and repeated requests (by you), I couldn't wait for it to be bedtime and to have a little quiet time. But as I lay with you waiting for you to fall asleep I was held in awe of your beautiful face, as it grew more and more relaxed when sleep crept upon you. I found myself regretting my lack of patience and impatience with your actions and called upon powers greater than me to give me better strength, more understanding, and a deeper ocean of patience. I found myself thinking of how quickly you are growing and how I want to protect you from everything and everyone that might ever hurt you or not understand you completely. I wish for you to always be surrounded by people who love and respect you and know that you deserve it and are worth it. I wish for you to march to your own beat and to be proud to do so. I wish for you to keep your tender heart and sweet feelings because they will serve you well throughout your life.

You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and I am honored to be a guiding force in your life right now. I know that our relationship will change as you grow up and life moves, but I hope that we will always have a strong bond that shines through, even if it gets buried under all sorts of life stuff. I love you.

Thoughts

Family can be complicated. Family can be wonderful. And family can be confusing. On one hand, it is wonderful that my family "misses" me so much that all they can think about or concentrate on when they talk to me is that fact that they want me to live in Cleveland. But on the other hand, all of that wanting makes me wonder how much is really missing and loving and how much is controlling and wishing that I would do things their way? No one in my family has made a real effort to become part of or be really interested in my life here. It is almost like they are in such denial that I live in another city, that nothing here is real to them and so it holds no validity or sense of life or time passage.

And yet, even though Scott has brothers and other extended family that live here and around Portland, I never get that same vibe from his mom or dad. They love each other and have a wonderful connection but the desperate claws don't come out or even ever show. Is it truly possible that they don't miss him terribly?

No, I don't believe that. Having become a parent myself I now torture myself with thoughts of Maya growing up and leaving me, maybe even for a different country or planet (who knows what we will be doing 50 years when I finally let her out of the house) and the idea makes me catch my breath. Sometimes I think about the old idea that what you did to your parents your children will do to you, only worse, so I guess my kids are moving far away...... but they don't know that Scott and I have agreed to follow them. Insert wicked laughter.....

Maybe it is because both of Scott's parents left their families to make their life together and so feel more comfortable allowing their son's the freedom to explore that.

I think what really wears on me is the thought that because I am not there, I am less of a daughter or sister. And maybe I am. I mean, I am not there every day. I can't do everything that they all do, I am not at every family function and don't stop in to say hi or have lunch or meet up somewhere for tea. And that is hard for me. For as much as I love my life here, I do miss them terribly. For how awful they make me feel and how guilt ridden and small I have become in all of this, I do miss my mom, my dad and my sisters. I feel like I have support here, but I also feel very lonely and isolated at times. Who knows if I would feel like this there too? I don't know.

Parts of me harbor so much hurt and resentment to all of them, that I don't know what to do with it, where to put it, or how to really, honestly let it go. How do you get past 13 years of small hurts and slights and comments and being made to feel like YOU are the one in the wrong and the bad guy?

One thing that I have learned in all of this (I don't think I needed this big of a lesson, but maybe I did) is that I will never put my children through what my parents and sisters have put me through. It is not fair.

That may sound dramatic, but I feel it is the only statement that encompasses how I feel about it. No one should be made to feel like a bad daughter or sister or that they don't love enough, care enough or don't try hard enough just because they have chosen to be physically somewhere else. And you know, life happens, things change, plans don't always pan out the way you think that they are going to. And people need to follow their individual dreams, not the dreams of their family members.

So, kiddies, listen up. No matter how hard it will be for me (and I am sure that it will be hard) go where you want to go, learn what you need to learn, and love who you are meant to love.

And lastly, collectively decide to move somewhere warm so daddy and I can retire there.

I have done a lot of soul searching and cried many tears over this, and I am sure that this will not be the last time I think about it or maybe even write about it, but I do know that I can be happy wherever my heart is. And right now, my heart holds Scott, Maya, little Opihi, and of course Kala and Tank.

2010

What a year it has already been. At Christmas we drove down to Long Beach to spend Christmas there. We hadn't been for Christmas in a long time and it was great. Both Scott and I were not sure how the ride would go for Maya (as we had obviously never driven that far with her before) but she did AWESOME! We left at about 2:00pm, drove for a while, stopped for dinner, changed her into night-time clothes and drove all night. She pretty much slept the entire way. It was incredible! We got over most of the passes without any difficulty, hitting snow on the "GrapeVine" just outside of LA and barely making it through before they shut it down. Lucky. We got there in about 17 hours. On the way back we stopped somewhere overnight and it took a lot longer but we just didn't have the same sense of urgency to get back as we had to get down there.

Maya is constantly amazing me. She is making such cognitive leaps all the time and does it with her own sense of style. She is loving dance and games right now and is starting to get kind of tricky. She has her dad's sense of humor that's for sure. Today, when she was at the park with Scott, he told me that she was yelling up the trees at the squirrels asking them where they had hidden their nuts. A few weeks ago, while we were playing Candyland and she wanted to do something that was not in the rules she says; " where are the directions?" Proceeds to get the directions, opens them up and reads out new directions that say that "if you want to go across Rainbow Bridge, just go ahead. Just go ahead and go across Rainbow Bridge."

I am 7 1/2 weeks pregnant (finally!) but this long journey is not over yet. I have a subchorionic hemorrhage that could either resolve, not resolve, or result in a miscarriage. I have been taking it really easy, which is no small feat and hoping for the best. I am trying to remain positive and to be thankful for the morning sickness and tender feelings. Whenever this second baby gets here: YOU WERE WANTED! We have worked very hard to get you!

We leave for Hawaii in a few days and are all really looking forward to the vacation. We have not been in so long and Maya has never been. She is pretty excited.

Good Night God

Good Night God

By Holly Bea

and

Kim Howard

Good night God,

The day is done.

Good night birds

and good night sun.

Good night to the sky above,

and good night to the squirrels I love.

Good night God, the moon is here,

good night trees and good night deer.

Good night garden,

good night house,

And good night to the little mouse who lives beneath the bottom stair,

Good night kitties everywhere.

Good night God,

Its time for bed.

My daddy calls me sleepy-head.

Mommy loves to hug me tight,

and listens while I say good-night.

So good night God,

sweet dreams to you,

tomorrow there's so much to do.

But now its time to sleep and dream,

of rocket ships and fairy queens.

So thank you God for all you do,

and don't forget, that I love you!